Why It Saved My Life

As many of you know, I am writing a book.  This book has been a growing experience for me - something to make me brave and share my story.  I know that as we all share our story, though we may believe different things, we can inspire each other.  I know I have been inspired by the stories of others. 

Why I decided to share my story. 

Several people kept telling me that my attitude was contagious and that I should write a book. The truth is, I was scared to write because I didn’t want people to see the real me.  Growing up I had a surgery every year and every year people told me how amazing and strong I was.  I kept a good attitude until I got to my last surgery. The doctors broken my femur and put it back together straighter than before. I had to relearn to walk all over again. It was the hardest surgery that I had ever had - and not because of the broken femur.

I became really anxious and depressed.  Growing up I would have really high highs and then really low lows but I just ignored it and thought I was being dramatic emotional and silly. I got so stuck, those close to me were telling me to see a therapist. I thought they thought I was crazy.  I wanted to just fix my problems with optimism, but I realized there was something going on inside of me I couldn’t fix all by myself, so I started writing.  I started honestly reading the Book of Mormon and seeing if I honestly had a testimony in this church that I had grown up in all my life. 

I discovered you can't do it all by yourself.  You are not meant to do it all by yourself.  Why in the world would a Father in Heaven put you here in an earth that is changing all the time and often really scary?  Why would he leave you alone?  They call him our loving Heavenly Father, right?  He created you, right?  Reading the book of Mormon gave me a testimony that I am not here alone.  He sent me here on earth to learn and grow and during that growing experience I had to learn some of the biggest hardest lessons.  That is his plan.  He wants us to be happy.  Growing up I told myself that this physical pain, 16 surgeries, was a piece of cake, what I later learned is that emotional and spiritual pain for me was not the easy stuff. It was an experience where I had to give everything to the Lord and say, "Yes! I have an imperfect body, I have anxiety and I have depression, but with God's help I can live a happy life. I’m not a broken person, though sometimes I feel I am with broken legs or a broken heart. God has not only put people in my life to help me through it but he has put a book that has saved my life many times - The Book of Mormon.   Reading it everyday helps me learn the qualities of my Savior being humble and realizing that the Lord put doctors and medicine there for a reason.  I couldn’t do it by myself.

The Book of Mormon teaches me about the life of Christ.  It has shown me certain attributes that Jesus Christ has that I want to have and that it’s a lifetime process.  I am learning and were all learning in our different lives and different circumstances.  I just hope that we would all know that we are not here alone.

Scars Deeper .Number 22

Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin after injury. A scar results from the biological process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process. 

Scarring is a NATURAL part of the HEALING process.  Isn’t that interesting for some of us look at scars physically on our body that we see as ugly what we think is a UNNATURAL ugly mark and compare ourselves to what we think we should be like and look like.  One of my favorite sayings is “ Comparison is the thief of Joy.” 

I’ve learned a lot about scars through my life.  I got number 22 today.  To be honest I have so many that I may have forgotten to count one or two haha . What I have learned is that it is something that we all have if its something physically a scar you can see or a scar that can not be physically seen, if its something hiding from a shirt or sweater or a scar that’s on our heart.

For some of us our “ SCARS” Run deeper then any physical visible wound.  We all have times in our lives where we see ourselves broken and its way to hard to pick up the pieces.  We are afraid we are not worth.  We are afraid we have done too much.  We are afraid we are not worth it. We are also afraid that people might see those pieces and judge us.  Our anxiety starts to go up, we start to blame ourselves for even being wounded, and we think how can I ever really get over this.  Well you can! It’s not this light bulb that just comes on but it’s an hour-by-hour, day-by-day and even moment-by moment process sometimes.

That is why we have scars; it’s a natural piece of the healing process.  This scar is going to be visible for the rest of my life.  But those scars are going to tell a story; they are going to tell who you really are.  They will bring you the biggest pain and have brought you the biggest sorrow but with those scars always comes the joy because joy always comes after sorrow. 

      I’ve had strangers and friends come up to me telling me that they have read this blog and we have had discussion on why they should even read these thoughts when we believe so differently.  We may believe in different things and agree or disagree on certain things but one thing I do know is that we ALL came from a loving God our Heavenly Father who sent his son Jesus Christ to ATONE for our sins and for our sorrows.  One day we will be able to feel those prints in his hands from his scars, from his death and we will KNOW that it was for each of us such an individual way I KNOW that He lives. I know that He loves us!  He is the comforter that doesn’t wash those scars away but he is the comforter that brings us that strength we need to continue that healing process. And not overnight.  To look back on those scars and say that we fought that fight and now we have something beautiful to remind us of how we changed to be more like him our Savior Jesus Christ.  We became a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter/son, and a better husband/wife. A better person.  One before thing before I sign off I was reading this book about Jesus Christ atonement and it said this

“  The Saviors love was not a love for the righteous only; it was not a abstract love; nor was it demonstrated by one dramatic sacrificial act and nothing more.  To the Contrary, it was a day-by-day, hour-by-hour, even moment-by-moment love! It was love that stretched from premortality into eternity.  It was a love that thoughtfully prepared a little fire of coals with fish and bread for hungry and tired disciples as they emerged from an exhausting night of fishing on the Sea of Galilee.  It was a love that blessed little children, healed the sick and offered hope to the hopeless.  It was a love that reached out to every individual as he or she was and lifted them to higher ground.  Love was exhibited in every conscious, waking moment of his mortal life.  Love flowed from every pore, every thought, and every act.  As naturally and regularly as we seek air, he sought to bless.  Again and again in those moments of physical exhaustion and pressing “ agendas” He was there for the one –to listen, to love and to bless.  His entire life was an acculation of acts of love, capped by the most significant of all- his atoning sacrifice.  “ 

These wounds stretch us, and those scars are part of what heals us.  It’s what real beauty is.  BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL.

HAPPINESS SECRET SANTA!!

Its a little early for Christmas I know ;) BUT this christmas as a part of my Amandas Project Happiness I am doing a SECRET SANTA and I am really really excited about it! I want to be able to spread as much christmas cheer as possible and I need your help and the help of everyone you know! Check out my facebook page Amandas Project Happiness for the gofundme! Every cent you donate will be going to my Secret Santa Project.  Please share and spread the word.  The more the word gets out the more we will all be able to make someones christmas a little brighter this year! These gifts will not just be going to those in need but to really anyone that needs christmas cheer!

One Word : Atonement

     The word atonement is one we may use every Sunday, but do we use it everyday? Ive been thinking about this a lot lately. Within a week I’ve been in the hospital with some kidney problems. It all started this summer when I had some kidney stones , with anyone that has EVER had kidney stones they would know they are not a piece off cake. They say that having kidney stones is the closest pain any man will have to have to childbirth. Which makes me think, well that sucks! The pain of having a child without the cute baby to make it all worth it? Yikes. I feel like anyone that has passed a kidney stone should get some kind of award!

    This week I've been thinking if the Savior died on the cross and suffered in the garden then why are we required to pass through pain? The word atonement I have heard all of my life but not until this year have I experienced and understood at least a fraction of what it means (even if that). I once heard a talk by Neal A Maxwell ( a old apostle of the church) say - “Even though our experiences are micro compared to His, the process is the same” 

    A quote that has stuck with me says “ The atonement is not a doctrine that lends itself to some singular approach, like a universal formula . It must be felt, not just "figured": internalized ,not just analyzed. The pursuit of this doctrine requires the total person, for the atonement of Jesus Christ is the most supernal, mind -expanding, passionate doctrine this world or universe will ever know." - Tad R. Callister

    Those words sunk really deep in my heart this week. Sunday night I was in my apartment laying on the floor sobbing ( sounds so dramatic I know) I hadn’t eaten a real meal in probably five days and little did I know it was about to get even worse. I lied there crying as I started to say a prayer asking Heavenly Father to please make 

this stop. I pleaded that I would do anything. It seemed like it was one thing after another I started losing a little hope. I started asking what the point of all this was anyway. Then I realized but Amanda this is making you better. This is going to change your life. This is what the atonement of Jesus Christ is about. Its not about some singular experience or some approach to life. Patient endurance is not just being acted upon, not just something happening to you that may seem unfair. It is endurance! It is more than just pacing back and forth in your circumstances; it is not only accepting the things given to us, it is to acting for ourselves.

 The ONLY way through this life and not just the big stuff but the small stuff is through HIS INFINITE ATONEMENT. I know this because I am both weak and strong. I know this from not just one singular event but from many and from many to come just like the rest of us. Whether it be our trials are on the surface for everyone to see or if they are down low where someone may not see we are struggling, they are real and they will make us stronger. Life experiences scare me to death BUT as I use His LOVING and all powerful atonement EVERYDAY when I do fall it doesn’t matter how many times I fall I get back up and that is something commendable. I don’t stay down on myself and beat myself up because I am not perfect.  This year I have learned three things about the Savior's atonement:

1. The atonement is for EVERYONE. 

2. The atonement is not just for sin 

3. The atonement is infinite- its not just for a broken bone but also for a broken soul and broken mind. The atonement 

makes up for all the unfairness in the world. 

4. The atonement is all healing.

Why should I donate blood? OCTOBER 17!!!

Why shouldn't I donate blood ? is the real question. Okay there are a few reason to not date blood. It can be frightening but for me its been there to help me during my 17 surgeries and I am so appreciated to those that have taken that time for me. It really does save lifes! Its saved mine!  So as a part of my project happiness I am doing a blood drive and I am SOOOOOO pumped about it!! I will be doing it the 17th of October at the Provo City Library! Let me know if you are interested. I have a sign up sheet soon!

DID YOU KNOW?………...

• Every two seconds someone in the U.S. needs blood.
• More than 41,000 blood donations are needed every day.
• A total of 30 million blood components are transfused each year in the U.S.
• The blood used in an emergency is already on the shelves before the event occurs.
• Sickle cell disease affects more than 70,000 people in the U.S. About 1,000 babies are born with the disease each year. Sickle cell patients can require frequent blood transfusions throughout their lives.
• • More than 1.6 million people were diagnosed with cancer last year. Many of them will need blood, sometimes daily, during their chemotherapy treatment.
  • A single car accident victim can require as many as 100 pints of blood

I'm On Top Of The World , Hey!!

I’m on top of the world, hey! That’s what it felt like this past weekend hiking Y Mountain for the first time. I've lived in Utah all my life and I’ve never hiked it. I’ve always wanted to, but it is a little steep and my knees do not like steep. Hiking the Y was on my summer bucket list, but after my knee started popping out of place I thought it wasn't the best idea. About a week ago one of my best friends Ben asked if he and an ELITE team of men could carry me up to the Y. I was a little hesitant, but at the same time very excited. This summer I learned that being independent doesn't mean you have to be stubborn. Ever since I was little I wanted to do EVERYTHING! Every sport, every game, everything.  I didn’t want a little swag walk to pull me back from what others were doing.  I also became very stubborn. I wanted to do things on my own even when I obviously needed a little bit help. I thought that weakness or a limitation of mine would show that I wasn’t strong.  I was embarrassed.  When people would want to do something for me, like give me an arm while I’m walking, or a piggyback, or just helping me up, I would usually say, "No, thank you, I’m good." This year, I learned it doesn’t make me any different to grab a hand when its welcomed. It also doesn’t make me weak to ask for help.  It actually makes me stronger.  Saying I’m independent is "I, I, I," to say I’m dependent is pointing fingers and saying "you, you, you." That is why we need to be both independent and dependent at the same time. We must serve others but also let others serve us. That is how we make it to the top. We make it together.  We make it by doing our part and letting others help in that journey

LEGENDARY STATUS!! P.S Thanks Ben! 

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P.S.S Thank you ELITE team of men!  This is what quality Men are!  I will never forget this experience in getting to the top!


                                                                                                
                                                                                                    

Don't let your challenges challenge your limits!!

Several months back I went to a exhibit up in Salt Lake called "Dreamathon." They had different artists of all ages painting lockers and murals - every room of the exhibit had a different theme.  One room was of different athletes and sports.  At this time, my knee was probably in the best shape it'd been in a long time. My femur surgery had been a huge success. I was all healed and feeling very excited. On the walls of the exhibit, I read:

" DONT LET YOUR CHALLENGES CHALLENGE YOUR LIMITS."  - Travis Pastrana 

Travis Alan Pastrana is an American motorsports competitor and stunt performer. He has had crazy injuries including a dislocated spine, he has torn his ACL, PCL, LCL, MCL and meniscus in his left knee, broken his tibia and fibula, he’s had surgery on his left wrist twice, left thumb once, two surgeries on his back, one on his right elbow, nine on his left knee, six on the right knee, one shoulder surgery which left him with the only piece of metal he has in his body. You could say he is a bit crazy!  A cool crazy!  Injury after injury has not stopped him.

On my project happiness board, someone wrote the word: STRENGTH. Strength is the quality or state of being strong.  Think about that for a minute: the quality or state of being strong.  The last couple of months I have seen myself several times getting frustrated, upset, depressed, angry, and down about not being able to do the things I want like riding my bike more, playing basketball, walking up and down the stairs, or even just walking to my car.  I started getting frustrated when I would hear others talk about what they couldn't do for a period of time because of an injury. I started kind of boiling up inside, wanting to say: "I will never be able to do those things! Be grateful!" Yesterday, I took a step back and started studying strength, and alongside it, peace. I came to the realization that of all the things that have brought me strength, the greatest is God. I know I have a Savior that bled from EVERY pore, he has felt EVERY pain I've ever felt, and he has felt that despair and sadness I've felt.  

2 Nephi 22:2

" Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation." 

I feel that strength from him but what do I do when those thoughts of anger or despair come in..... what do I do? 

Psalms 34:14 

"Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace and pursue it."  

We all make mistakes every day, but aside from those mistakes, we also have thoughts that we can't do something, that we are worthless, that we are not good enough, that we are a hopeless case. Those are evil thoughts that we need to depart from. They don't come from a God that is our LOVING Father. They come from someone that wants you to think your challenges will stop you from pursing something good.  Yes, we all have our limits, we all have our weaknesses, but we also all have strength in us. I know I have weakness and limitation, but I also know I can do so much! So tell that little pessimistic voice in your head to back off!  Here are a few pictures I wanted to share with how I feel I've pursued what I want to do and how I've learned what strength is. 

This is one my best friends Rachel Stratton. She has brain cancer. After she finished her treatment, we went to Disneyland. The Doctors gave her 9 months and next month she will have gone 2 years.  She has been the biggest example in my life that I can do hard things.  She lives her life and doesn't let her challenges challenge her limits. She has an amazing story.www.prayersforrachel.com

This was us at Disney - rollin it. Yes we had wheelchair races and Rachel really kicked my butt! 

 This is the bike I got last summer. I've never had good balance so I wasn't able to ride a bike.  I was always a little embarrassed about it, but then last summer I decided "Meh! Who cares! I'm gonna buy me this sweet bike!" Don't let your challenges challenge your limits. 

This is also one of my best friends Mic Fortie ( aka Michelle) five months ago she got in an accident and broke her back. Both of us love being active and doing crazy things like high rope swings, so last weekend we went to an epic rope swing.  For me it was too hard to get up to the level with my knee popping out and the impact on her back would be too much, so we decided to take a picture in front of it and show that rope swing that we would be back next year!  Don't let your challenges challenge your limits.

Here is my left-handed guitar. With Cerebral Palsy usually one side of the body is weaker then the other. with my old guitar I would get frustrated because my hand would spasm out or not move much to let me play my guitar so I got a left handed guitar this last christmas and Ive been slowly learning. Dont let your challenges challenge your limits

 Mud volleyball. I couldn't walk around in it, so I had friends by my side to help me walk. My contribution to the game was my serves. We scored 4 points with those serves fyi:)  

Then, last but not least, me jamming and rocking to my cassette player with my swag walker ;) 

I share these because I want people to know that regardless of the challenge you have, we can all challenge ourselves. Don't give up on yourself because of a limitation you may have. Just as real as that limitation, is your inner strength to challenge it.