HAPPINESS SECRET SANTA!!

Its a little early for Christmas I know ;) BUT this christmas as a part of my Amandas Project Happiness I am doing a SECRET SANTA and I am really really excited about it! I want to be able to spread as much christmas cheer as possible and I need your help and the help of everyone you know! Check out my facebook page Amandas Project Happiness for the gofundme! Every cent you donate will be going to my Secret Santa Project.  Please share and spread the word.  The more the word gets out the more we will all be able to make someones christmas a little brighter this year! These gifts will not just be going to those in need but to really anyone that needs christmas cheer!

One Word : Atonement

     The word atonement is one we may use every Sunday, but do we use it everyday? Ive been thinking about this a lot lately. Within a week I’ve been in the hospital with some kidney problems. It all started this summer when I had some kidney stones , with anyone that has EVER had kidney stones they would know they are not a piece off cake. They say that having kidney stones is the closest pain any man will have to have to childbirth. Which makes me think, well that sucks! The pain of having a child without the cute baby to make it all worth it? Yikes. I feel like anyone that has passed a kidney stone should get some kind of award!

    This week I've been thinking if the Savior died on the cross and suffered in the garden then why are we required to pass through pain? The word atonement I have heard all of my life but not until this year have I experienced and understood at least a fraction of what it means (even if that). I once heard a talk by Neal A Maxwell ( a old apostle of the church) say - “Even though our experiences are micro compared to His, the process is the same” 

    A quote that has stuck with me says “ The atonement is not a doctrine that lends itself to some singular approach, like a universal formula . It must be felt, not just "figured": internalized ,not just analyzed. The pursuit of this doctrine requires the total person, for the atonement of Jesus Christ is the most supernal, mind -expanding, passionate doctrine this world or universe will ever know." - Tad R. Callister

    Those words sunk really deep in my heart this week. Sunday night I was in my apartment laying on the floor sobbing ( sounds so dramatic I know) I hadn’t eaten a real meal in probably five days and little did I know it was about to get even worse. I lied there crying as I started to say a prayer asking Heavenly Father to please make 

this stop. I pleaded that I would do anything. It seemed like it was one thing after another I started losing a little hope. I started asking what the point of all this was anyway. Then I realized but Amanda this is making you better. This is going to change your life. This is what the atonement of Jesus Christ is about. Its not about some singular experience or some approach to life. Patient endurance is not just being acted upon, not just something happening to you that may seem unfair. It is endurance! It is more than just pacing back and forth in your circumstances; it is not only accepting the things given to us, it is to acting for ourselves.

 The ONLY way through this life and not just the big stuff but the small stuff is through HIS INFINITE ATONEMENT. I know this because I am both weak and strong. I know this from not just one singular event but from many and from many to come just like the rest of us. Whether it be our trials are on the surface for everyone to see or if they are down low where someone may not see we are struggling, they are real and they will make us stronger. Life experiences scare me to death BUT as I use His LOVING and all powerful atonement EVERYDAY when I do fall it doesn’t matter how many times I fall I get back up and that is something commendable. I don’t stay down on myself and beat myself up because I am not perfect.  This year I have learned three things about the Savior's atonement:

1. The atonement is for EVERYONE. 

2. The atonement is not just for sin 

3. The atonement is infinite- its not just for a broken bone but also for a broken soul and broken mind. The atonement 

makes up for all the unfairness in the world. 

4. The atonement is all healing.

Why should I donate blood? OCTOBER 17!!!

Why shouldn't I donate blood ? is the real question. Okay there are a few reason to not date blood. It can be frightening but for me its been there to help me during my 17 surgeries and I am so appreciated to those that have taken that time for me. It really does save lifes! Its saved mine!  So as a part of my project happiness I am doing a blood drive and I am SOOOOOO pumped about it!! I will be doing it the 17th of October at the Provo City Library! Let me know if you are interested. I have a sign up sheet soon!

DID YOU KNOW?………...

• Every two seconds someone in the U.S. needs blood.
• More than 41,000 blood donations are needed every day.
• A total of 30 million blood components are transfused each year in the U.S.
• The blood used in an emergency is already on the shelves before the event occurs.
• Sickle cell disease affects more than 70,000 people in the U.S. About 1,000 babies are born with the disease each year. Sickle cell patients can require frequent blood transfusions throughout their lives.
• • More than 1.6 million people were diagnosed with cancer last year. Many of them will need blood, sometimes daily, during their chemotherapy treatment.
  • A single car accident victim can require as many as 100 pints of blood

I'm On Top Of The World , Hey!!

I’m on top of the world, hey! That’s what it felt like this past weekend hiking Y Mountain for the first time. I've lived in Utah all my life and I’ve never hiked it. I’ve always wanted to, but it is a little steep and my knees do not like steep. Hiking the Y was on my summer bucket list, but after my knee started popping out of place I thought it wasn't the best idea. About a week ago one of my best friends Ben asked if he and an ELITE team of men could carry me up to the Y. I was a little hesitant, but at the same time very excited. This summer I learned that being independent doesn't mean you have to be stubborn. Ever since I was little I wanted to do EVERYTHING! Every sport, every game, everything.  I didn’t want a little swag walk to pull me back from what others were doing.  I also became very stubborn. I wanted to do things on my own even when I obviously needed a little bit help. I thought that weakness or a limitation of mine would show that I wasn’t strong.  I was embarrassed.  When people would want to do something for me, like give me an arm while I’m walking, or a piggyback, or just helping me up, I would usually say, "No, thank you, I’m good." This year, I learned it doesn’t make me any different to grab a hand when its welcomed. It also doesn’t make me weak to ask for help.  It actually makes me stronger.  Saying I’m independent is "I, I, I," to say I’m dependent is pointing fingers and saying "you, you, you." That is why we need to be both independent and dependent at the same time. We must serve others but also let others serve us. That is how we make it to the top. We make it together.  We make it by doing our part and letting others help in that journey

LEGENDARY STATUS!! P.S Thanks Ben! 

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P.S.S Thank you ELITE team of men!  This is what quality Men are!  I will never forget this experience in getting to the top!


                                                                                                
                                                                                                    

Don't let your challenges challenge your limits!!

Several months back I went to a exhibit up in Salt Lake called "Dreamathon." They had different artists of all ages painting lockers and murals - every room of the exhibit had a different theme.  One room was of different athletes and sports.  At this time, my knee was probably in the best shape it'd been in a long time. My femur surgery had been a huge success. I was all healed and feeling very excited. On the walls of the exhibit, I read:

" DONT LET YOUR CHALLENGES CHALLENGE YOUR LIMITS."  - Travis Pastrana 

Travis Alan Pastrana is an American motorsports competitor and stunt performer. He has had crazy injuries including a dislocated spine, he has torn his ACL, PCL, LCL, MCL and meniscus in his left knee, broken his tibia and fibula, he’s had surgery on his left wrist twice, left thumb once, two surgeries on his back, one on his right elbow, nine on his left knee, six on the right knee, one shoulder surgery which left him with the only piece of metal he has in his body. You could say he is a bit crazy!  A cool crazy!  Injury after injury has not stopped him.

On my project happiness board, someone wrote the word: STRENGTH. Strength is the quality or state of being strong.  Think about that for a minute: the quality or state of being strong.  The last couple of months I have seen myself several times getting frustrated, upset, depressed, angry, and down about not being able to do the things I want like riding my bike more, playing basketball, walking up and down the stairs, or even just walking to my car.  I started getting frustrated when I would hear others talk about what they couldn't do for a period of time because of an injury. I started kind of boiling up inside, wanting to say: "I will never be able to do those things! Be grateful!" Yesterday, I took a step back and started studying strength, and alongside it, peace. I came to the realization that of all the things that have brought me strength, the greatest is God. I know I have a Savior that bled from EVERY pore, he has felt EVERY pain I've ever felt, and he has felt that despair and sadness I've felt.  

2 Nephi 22:2

" Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also has become my salvation." 

I feel that strength from him but what do I do when those thoughts of anger or despair come in..... what do I do? 

Psalms 34:14 

"Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace and pursue it."  

We all make mistakes every day, but aside from those mistakes, we also have thoughts that we can't do something, that we are worthless, that we are not good enough, that we are a hopeless case. Those are evil thoughts that we need to depart from. They don't come from a God that is our LOVING Father. They come from someone that wants you to think your challenges will stop you from pursing something good.  Yes, we all have our limits, we all have our weaknesses, but we also all have strength in us. I know I have weakness and limitation, but I also know I can do so much! So tell that little pessimistic voice in your head to back off!  Here are a few pictures I wanted to share with how I feel I've pursued what I want to do and how I've learned what strength is. 

This is one my best friends Rachel Stratton. She has brain cancer. After she finished her treatment, we went to Disneyland. The Doctors gave her 9 months and next month she will have gone 2 years.  She has been the biggest example in my life that I can do hard things.  She lives her life and doesn't let her challenges challenge her limits. She has an amazing story.www.prayersforrachel.com

This was us at Disney - rollin it. Yes we had wheelchair races and Rachel really kicked my butt! 

 This is the bike I got last summer. I've never had good balance so I wasn't able to ride a bike.  I was always a little embarrassed about it, but then last summer I decided "Meh! Who cares! I'm gonna buy me this sweet bike!" Don't let your challenges challenge your limits. 

This is also one of my best friends Mic Fortie ( aka Michelle) five months ago she got in an accident and broke her back. Both of us love being active and doing crazy things like high rope swings, so last weekend we went to an epic rope swing.  For me it was too hard to get up to the level with my knee popping out and the impact on her back would be too much, so we decided to take a picture in front of it and show that rope swing that we would be back next year!  Don't let your challenges challenge your limits.

Here is my left-handed guitar. With Cerebral Palsy usually one side of the body is weaker then the other. with my old guitar I would get frustrated because my hand would spasm out or not move much to let me play my guitar so I got a left handed guitar this last christmas and Ive been slowly learning. Dont let your challenges challenge your limits

 Mud volleyball. I couldn't walk around in it, so I had friends by my side to help me walk. My contribution to the game was my serves. We scored 4 points with those serves fyi:)  

Then, last but not least, me jamming and rocking to my cassette player with my swag walker ;) 

I share these because I want people to know that regardless of the challenge you have, we can all challenge ourselves. Don't give up on yourself because of a limitation you may have. Just as real as that limitation, is your inner strength to challenge it. 

Lucky number 18!

    I say lucky number 18 because it sounds like I'm going from just having my 17th surgery and now I might be going on to lucky number 18. We will see what the doctors and I decide. Surgery has become routine for me, like brushing my teeth, as I've said in the past.  In October I had a major surgery where they broke my femur and straightened it up so that it wasn't bone rubbing on bone.  They put in a plate and 8 screws! I'm a crazy metal women you could say.  Since they straightened it all out it was doing great until this past month. I tried ignoring it. It first started getting really painful to walk up and down the stairs. Then my knee cap (patella and patella tendon) started popping and really weird feeling. I've had popping knees before but this is definitely a different, not normal, pop. Its been really painful.  Then I woke up with bad circulation in my leg, it started bruising in areas and turning a greenish color.  I would say its just me to turning into the mighty Hulk OBVIOUSLY but that's not so much the case.  My doctor at the University of Utah said months back since we fixed the alignment of my leg it was definitely a possibility of something like this happening. 
 This morning I woke up really discouraged and in tears because sometimes it just really sucks. I know I will make the best of it.  I always find a way to have fun but it doesn't make it easy. Pain is pain and pain is part of the game. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment with one of my Provo doctors and then Monday I have a appointment with my U of U doctor . So I guess all I gotta say is bring it on my friends :)

" Happiness is not absence of a load."

- David Bendar

Happiness is understanding that the load is worth it because blessings and learning can come from pain. I've learned that even though it can really stink sometimes, the load is well worth it. I'll continue to walk. If walking comes with the cost of having more surgeries, then so be it!  Happiness is being grateful for the things you do have and for the things that you have to work at to get. 

A few cool pics of my surgery in October.  

(This is a X-Ray of both legs. You can slightly see the dotted line going up and down both legs.  You can see on the left that it is alright straight but the right one, with the screws from a past surgery, you can see is very off.  That is why they went in and broke the femur and aligned it.)

(Here is the femur from after the surgery. As you can see, they went through the bone, straightened it, and put a plate and 8 screws)  p.s don't worry I can still get through airport security without being locked up;) 

So you biffed it? Well, get back up!

        The other day on campus, I was going along with my HUGE artist board (no joke it takes over the whole right side of my body, Artist can understand;) haha)  and projects under my arms as my leg suddenly said, “Get ready Amanda, things are about to get interesting”. I have spasms in my legs at least once a day, if not several times a day, and they come so fast without warning. So there I was, on my butt, in the middle of the courtyard with paper scattered all around me. At first I laughed, and then I realized I had no way to get back up! It seemed on that day that campus was a ghost town – it being a Friday during the summer, people out doing their own thing.  So I climbed to my nearest friendly cement pole and it was happy to lend me some help.  Yes picture a girl crawling across the cement, in the courtyard, on a college campus.  It was quite an adventure. 

           It was pouring rain. I use to like rainy days, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve enjoyed them only when I could stay inside and lounge on the couch. All the operations they’ve done to enable me to walk have worn out my muscles, and with the arthritis, I fall in rain puddles, which you could call enjoying puddle jumping I guess. haha ;) 

I’ve really biffed it physically – whether it’s down stairs, upstairs, on drive ways, on cross walks, in the middle of class, or on a stage in a choir concert. Ha-ha.  But I’ve also had my share of biffing it mentally and emotionally. All growing up, I made it seem to my family and others around me that it didn’t bother me much that I couldn’t run or jump or hike much or a lot of the sports I wanted to. I tried soccer for a year, dance for several years, but It became clear to me I wasn’t going to stay caught up and it’s become even more clear how much it does bother me.

(Throwing it back to 4th grade)

The only sport that my physical therapist said was off limits was basketball.  Even the sound of the words off limits or limitations gets me super stubborn. The word limitation means a limiting condition, restrictive weakness, lack of capacity. I’ve thought but why not? Or too bad, I’m going to do it anyways but if you think about it, we all have our own weaknesses, we all have different capacities, whether it’s physical or mental.  Yes It’s been a dream of mine to play basketball, yes growing up I would beg my mom to buy me black Nike basketball shoes in elementary school, yes I’ve been obsessed with the NBA growing up. I dreamed of meeting John Stockton, the Mailman, or even Michael Jordan but I know that God blessed me with the ability to walk and with other abilities he knew I really would need.  I know that God is real and I know I am one of his children just like all of us are – no matter our abilities, limitations, beliefs, disabilities and even our struggles. We are not defined by or limitations. He blesses us with different abilities, so instead of playing basketball I decided I would coach it. Even though I did fulfill my dream coaching doesn’t mean it doesn’t still suck that I couldn't play or dribble or shot on the team. It doesn’t take away the pain of falling down. But the truth is – we’re all going to biff it one way or another - on campus, on a school test that you studied really hard for, a program we didn’t make it into, or in a relationship you SWORE was going to work out. The question isn’t whether you will biff it or not, it’s whether you’ll biff it and stay down, or biff it and get back up again. I used to think I had to hold back tears to be tough, to erase all evidence of my “biffs.” But now I know being tough isn’t hiding your weakness, it’s putting one foot in front of the other with a smile, and getting back up again.

Is Happiness a Choice?

    In my life there have been a few turning points where I had to choose to be happy.  

    Just a few days ago, I invited friends and strangers alike to sign a paint-splattered sheet with the word “happiness” plastered across the top – a material invitation to reflect on the things that make life wonderful. Some put “my wife and kids,” others, “the sunshine on my face,” and the obvious “listening to Michael Jackson” (haha, that was me). Amidst the vibrant colors and scribbled sharpie, there was one phrase that caught my eye from a new friend Landon: “happiness is a choice.” 

  I thought about that. In fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My life has been full of struggle. School breaks are prime-time for doctor dates and Christmas always comes accompanied with a new scar (or two, or three). Surgery has become as routine as brushing my teeth, but this last one left me angry at my circumstance. Everyone tells me how they look up to my optimism in life, and here I was, angry at life. I thought, “If I am angry and sad, I am a bad person, because happiness is a choice.”

    In this surgery the doctors broke my femur and put it back together – straight this time. They put a plate and 8 screws straight through the bone. It was as painful as it sounds. I would make amazing progress in therapy, only to pull a muscle and be set back 5 days in an already 6 month recovery.  To boot, I took 5 of the 100 oxycodone pills prescribed for the pain – they make me sick, and I have a pretty high tolerance for pain anyway. I would keep going to physical therapy, but the winter slowed me down – I would easily slip and fall on the ice and pull another muscle. I thought to myself, “I am 25. The financial drain of school and surgeries has left me nowhere close to graduating. I’ve changed my major a thousand times. I want to be out with my friends, I want to be riding my sweet bike. I want people to look at me and think I was amazing not just because I am on my 17th surgery, but because I’m me.” Many nights, I just cried myself to sleep. It was one-woman pity party marathon.

    I am Christian – a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe in a Savior. I know Jesus Christ died not only for my sins, but also for my pain. So I prayed. In my prayer, I asked him between sobs, “is it possible to be both happy and sad?” I was trying so hard to be happy and optimistic, but that night I learned that although happiness is a choice, pain is a reality. Of course it is possible to be both happy and sad. We are all far from perfect – and we have to give ourselves a break. In my moments of greatest physical and mental weakness, I had to take time for myself to heal. I had to realize that I am Amanda Brown  - I am both weak and strong, sad and happy, human and blessed.

         Happiness is a choice, but it’s a constant choice. It’s a choice you make knowing life isn’t going to be hunky-dory all the time. You are going to be down. You’re going to be sad, and frustrated, and maybe even angry. So, do all the small things like listening to MJ, being with your family, or whatever lifts your spirit – but realize that happiness is an inside job – a process.  It’s not a choice others can make for you. At the end of the day – it’s your happiness.
Love, 
 aMaNdA

The Secret Life of Amanda Brown

    So the reason for the title of this post is that I LOVE the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty ! In the  movie he often spaces out into his own world. That is something I feel has became a pattern in my life.  Day dreaming you could call it but for me I wanted to stop the day dreaming, stop feeling stuck and do something that Ive always secretly wanted to do and that is make a difference even if its starting somewhere small and letting it grow .  So the secret is out.  I want to start a project called AMANDAS PROJECT HAPPINESS.
    My name is Amanda Brown. Im 25 and I was born with Mild Cerebral Palsy. CP is a condition marked by impaired muscle coordination (spastic paralysis) and/or other disabilities, typically caused by damage to the brain before or at birth.  That is the simplest definition I have seen without being to vague. Ive had 17 surgeries. The doctors told my mom I would never walk but my mom said oh she will walk.  So look at me now. I am walking. So what really do the doctors know right?;) well maybe a few things.  
   I started writing my thoughts into a book over six months ago when I had a major surgery on my femur when I was down and depressed about where my life was and figuring out who I really was. Just like all of you, Ive had different struggles in my life but its not all of what my life is about. There is ALOT to happiness.  Ive decided to be brave and follow a dream of mine to share about my life and what makes me happy through writing my story in a book, a blog, and social media.  I want to carry out different projects throughout the community and through out the world with different activities and what I like to call helping projects.  I never liked the word service project not that there is anything wrong with the word but Ive always liked the word helping better because at times I felt like that service "project" to others.  Even though I know people have always had the best intentions I like the word helping projects. WE We are all here to help each other out. So this is why I am calling it Amandas Project Happiness. 
    Really I just love people and love to make people happy. I hope that I can make some kind of difference in sharing my story. Ive felt strongly about this for a while now and here it goes. You gotta start somewhere right?  Its definitely a process but where will you get if you dont reach and jump the highest and the best you can to your dreams. Even if it seems a little crazy. Start with small simple things and build it up.
    I want to involve people because that is a big part of what makes me happy.  I know everyone has a wonderful story to share because there are so many that have inspired me. I hope you will share with me what makes you happy. So go go go share with me your story.   
You can follow me on Instagram: @amandasprojecthappiness 

Or like and follow my page on Facebook - message me there: 
Amandas Project Happiness. 


LOVE, aMaNdA