Lucky number 18!

    I say lucky number 18 because it sounds like I'm going from just having my 17th surgery and now I might be going on to lucky number 18. We will see what the doctors and I decide. Surgery has become routine for me, like brushing my teeth, as I've said in the past.  In October I had a major surgery where they broke my femur and straightened it up so that it wasn't bone rubbing on bone.  They put in a plate and 8 screws! I'm a crazy metal women you could say.  Since they straightened it all out it was doing great until this past month. I tried ignoring it. It first started getting really painful to walk up and down the stairs. Then my knee cap (patella and patella tendon) started popping and really weird feeling. I've had popping knees before but this is definitely a different, not normal, pop. Its been really painful.  Then I woke up with bad circulation in my leg, it started bruising in areas and turning a greenish color.  I would say its just me to turning into the mighty Hulk OBVIOUSLY but that's not so much the case.  My doctor at the University of Utah said months back since we fixed the alignment of my leg it was definitely a possibility of something like this happening. 
 This morning I woke up really discouraged and in tears because sometimes it just really sucks. I know I will make the best of it.  I always find a way to have fun but it doesn't make it easy. Pain is pain and pain is part of the game. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment with one of my Provo doctors and then Monday I have a appointment with my U of U doctor . So I guess all I gotta say is bring it on my friends :)

" Happiness is not absence of a load."

- David Bendar

Happiness is understanding that the load is worth it because blessings and learning can come from pain. I've learned that even though it can really stink sometimes, the load is well worth it. I'll continue to walk. If walking comes with the cost of having more surgeries, then so be it!  Happiness is being grateful for the things you do have and for the things that you have to work at to get. 

A few cool pics of my surgery in October.  

(This is a X-Ray of both legs. You can slightly see the dotted line going up and down both legs.  You can see on the left that it is alright straight but the right one, with the screws from a past surgery, you can see is very off.  That is why they went in and broke the femur and aligned it.)

(Here is the femur from after the surgery. As you can see, they went through the bone, straightened it, and put a plate and 8 screws)  p.s don't worry I can still get through airport security without being locked up;) 

So you biffed it? Well, get back up!

        The other day on campus, I was going along with my HUGE artist board (no joke it takes over the whole right side of my body, Artist can understand;) haha)  and projects under my arms as my leg suddenly said, “Get ready Amanda, things are about to get interesting”. I have spasms in my legs at least once a day, if not several times a day, and they come so fast without warning. So there I was, on my butt, in the middle of the courtyard with paper scattered all around me. At first I laughed, and then I realized I had no way to get back up! It seemed on that day that campus was a ghost town – it being a Friday during the summer, people out doing their own thing.  So I climbed to my nearest friendly cement pole and it was happy to lend me some help.  Yes picture a girl crawling across the cement, in the courtyard, on a college campus.  It was quite an adventure. 

           It was pouring rain. I use to like rainy days, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve enjoyed them only when I could stay inside and lounge on the couch. All the operations they’ve done to enable me to walk have worn out my muscles, and with the arthritis, I fall in rain puddles, which you could call enjoying puddle jumping I guess. haha ;) 

I’ve really biffed it physically – whether it’s down stairs, upstairs, on drive ways, on cross walks, in the middle of class, or on a stage in a choir concert. Ha-ha.  But I’ve also had my share of biffing it mentally and emotionally. All growing up, I made it seem to my family and others around me that it didn’t bother me much that I couldn’t run or jump or hike much or a lot of the sports I wanted to. I tried soccer for a year, dance for several years, but It became clear to me I wasn’t going to stay caught up and it’s become even more clear how much it does bother me.

(Throwing it back to 4th grade)

The only sport that my physical therapist said was off limits was basketball.  Even the sound of the words off limits or limitations gets me super stubborn. The word limitation means a limiting condition, restrictive weakness, lack of capacity. I’ve thought but why not? Or too bad, I’m going to do it anyways but if you think about it, we all have our own weaknesses, we all have different capacities, whether it’s physical or mental.  Yes It’s been a dream of mine to play basketball, yes growing up I would beg my mom to buy me black Nike basketball shoes in elementary school, yes I’ve been obsessed with the NBA growing up. I dreamed of meeting John Stockton, the Mailman, or even Michael Jordan but I know that God blessed me with the ability to walk and with other abilities he knew I really would need.  I know that God is real and I know I am one of his children just like all of us are – no matter our abilities, limitations, beliefs, disabilities and even our struggles. We are not defined by or limitations. He blesses us with different abilities, so instead of playing basketball I decided I would coach it. Even though I did fulfill my dream coaching doesn’t mean it doesn’t still suck that I couldn't play or dribble or shot on the team. It doesn’t take away the pain of falling down. But the truth is – we’re all going to biff it one way or another - on campus, on a school test that you studied really hard for, a program we didn’t make it into, or in a relationship you SWORE was going to work out. The question isn’t whether you will biff it or not, it’s whether you’ll biff it and stay down, or biff it and get back up again. I used to think I had to hold back tears to be tough, to erase all evidence of my “biffs.” But now I know being tough isn’t hiding your weakness, it’s putting one foot in front of the other with a smile, and getting back up again.

Is Happiness a Choice?

    In my life there have been a few turning points where I had to choose to be happy.  

    Just a few days ago, I invited friends and strangers alike to sign a paint-splattered sheet with the word “happiness” plastered across the top – a material invitation to reflect on the things that make life wonderful. Some put “my wife and kids,” others, “the sunshine on my face,” and the obvious “listening to Michael Jackson” (haha, that was me). Amidst the vibrant colors and scribbled sharpie, there was one phrase that caught my eye from a new friend Landon: “happiness is a choice.” 

  I thought about that. In fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My life has been full of struggle. School breaks are prime-time for doctor dates and Christmas always comes accompanied with a new scar (or two, or three). Surgery has become as routine as brushing my teeth, but this last one left me angry at my circumstance. Everyone tells me how they look up to my optimism in life, and here I was, angry at life. I thought, “If I am angry and sad, I am a bad person, because happiness is a choice.”

    In this surgery the doctors broke my femur and put it back together – straight this time. They put a plate and 8 screws straight through the bone. It was as painful as it sounds. I would make amazing progress in therapy, only to pull a muscle and be set back 5 days in an already 6 month recovery.  To boot, I took 5 of the 100 oxycodone pills prescribed for the pain – they make me sick, and I have a pretty high tolerance for pain anyway. I would keep going to physical therapy, but the winter slowed me down – I would easily slip and fall on the ice and pull another muscle. I thought to myself, “I am 25. The financial drain of school and surgeries has left me nowhere close to graduating. I’ve changed my major a thousand times. I want to be out with my friends, I want to be riding my sweet bike. I want people to look at me and think I was amazing not just because I am on my 17th surgery, but because I’m me.” Many nights, I just cried myself to sleep. It was one-woman pity party marathon.

    I am Christian – a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe in a Savior. I know Jesus Christ died not only for my sins, but also for my pain. So I prayed. In my prayer, I asked him between sobs, “is it possible to be both happy and sad?” I was trying so hard to be happy and optimistic, but that night I learned that although happiness is a choice, pain is a reality. Of course it is possible to be both happy and sad. We are all far from perfect – and we have to give ourselves a break. In my moments of greatest physical and mental weakness, I had to take time for myself to heal. I had to realize that I am Amanda Brown  - I am both weak and strong, sad and happy, human and blessed.

         Happiness is a choice, but it’s a constant choice. It’s a choice you make knowing life isn’t going to be hunky-dory all the time. You are going to be down. You’re going to be sad, and frustrated, and maybe even angry. So, do all the small things like listening to MJ, being with your family, or whatever lifts your spirit – but realize that happiness is an inside job – a process.  It’s not a choice others can make for you. At the end of the day – it’s your happiness.
Love, 
 aMaNdA

The Secret Life of Amanda Brown

    So the reason for the title of this post is that I LOVE the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty ! In the  movie he often spaces out into his own world. That is something I feel has became a pattern in my life.  Day dreaming you could call it but for me I wanted to stop the day dreaming, stop feeling stuck and do something that Ive always secretly wanted to do and that is make a difference even if its starting somewhere small and letting it grow .  So the secret is out.  I want to start a project called AMANDAS PROJECT HAPPINESS.
    My name is Amanda Brown. Im 25 and I was born with Mild Cerebral Palsy. CP is a condition marked by impaired muscle coordination (spastic paralysis) and/or other disabilities, typically caused by damage to the brain before or at birth.  That is the simplest definition I have seen without being to vague. Ive had 17 surgeries. The doctors told my mom I would never walk but my mom said oh she will walk.  So look at me now. I am walking. So what really do the doctors know right?;) well maybe a few things.  
   I started writing my thoughts into a book over six months ago when I had a major surgery on my femur when I was down and depressed about where my life was and figuring out who I really was. Just like all of you, Ive had different struggles in my life but its not all of what my life is about. There is ALOT to happiness.  Ive decided to be brave and follow a dream of mine to share about my life and what makes me happy through writing my story in a book, a blog, and social media.  I want to carry out different projects throughout the community and through out the world with different activities and what I like to call helping projects.  I never liked the word service project not that there is anything wrong with the word but Ive always liked the word helping better because at times I felt like that service "project" to others.  Even though I know people have always had the best intentions I like the word helping projects. WE We are all here to help each other out. So this is why I am calling it Amandas Project Happiness. 
    Really I just love people and love to make people happy. I hope that I can make some kind of difference in sharing my story. Ive felt strongly about this for a while now and here it goes. You gotta start somewhere right?  Its definitely a process but where will you get if you dont reach and jump the highest and the best you can to your dreams. Even if it seems a little crazy. Start with small simple things and build it up.
    I want to involve people because that is a big part of what makes me happy.  I know everyone has a wonderful story to share because there are so many that have inspired me. I hope you will share with me what makes you happy. So go go go share with me your story.   
You can follow me on Instagram: @amandasprojecthappiness 

Or like and follow my page on Facebook - message me there: 
Amandas Project Happiness. 


LOVE, aMaNdA